Heartache
by Xellina1
Summary: Dib goes through some hard times.


  
(This fic is based loosly on a true story)  
  
  
  
  
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Part 1  
  
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Dib awoke just like every morning to the sound of his alarm clock buzzing noisily. He leaned up and looked at it, it's bright red digital numbers reading 6:30 am. He sighed and hit the snooze button, figuring he could sleep a bit more and not be late for school. He rolled over and pulled his blankets close, rolling over and falling back to sleep almost immediatley.  
  
  
  
"Dib! Get up, you're gonna be late for skool!" Someone was shaking him gently. Dib opened his eyes slowly, and the image of his sister looking down on him came slowly into view.  
"Huh...wha...?" He inquired groggily.  
"I said, you have to get up, or you'll be late for school!" Gaz replied, with a hint of annoyance. She turned and left the room, shutting the door behind her so Dib could dress.  
Since the past Christmas, Gaz had showed a little bit more care for Dib, helping him out in times of need, and even looking up from her Game Slave every now and then and giving him one of her rare smiles.  
After a moment Dib sat up in bed and felt around on his night table until he found his glasses. He put them on and looked down at the clock.  
7:10!! He was usually out the door by now!   
Dib threw off his covers and dressed quicky and clumsily, barely paying attention to what he was putting on. He ran downstairs, stumbling a few times, and ran into the kitchen. He opened the cupboard door and pulled out a grain bar, then grabbed his backpack, untouched since he had arrived home yesterday, and ran as fast as he could toward the direction of the skool.  
  
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Dib barley made it into the classroom before Mrs Bitters called his name for attendance. Luckily, she didn't freak out at him, as he has expected, but merely raised an eyebrow at him as he slumped into his seat, panting.  
When attendance was taken, Mrs Bitters sat behind her desk and began getting some papers from one of her desks drawrs. (sp? eee...)  
Dib predicted that they were going to get a worksheet, or some sort of unfair pop quiz, so he reached into the front pocket of his black backpack and pulled out a pencil. He set it down in the ident at the top of his desk made to hold pencils and pens, then did what he did every morning. He looked at Zim.  
Zim was on the other side of the classroom, etching something with his pencil on his desk, one eye narrowed in concentrartion.  
Dib stared at him, watching his every move, but keeping a scowl on his face lest somone figure out the reason he kept such a sharp eye on Zim...  
  
Ever since last Christmas, nearly a year ago now, Dib had stopped hating Zim. He didn't really think much of it...something about the care he showed for GIR, the small dog he had lost on Christmas eve, made Dib's hate fade. He saw that Zim, too, had feelings, and worried and cared about others, as much as he tried to hide it. Dib stopped trying to capture and expose Zim, but continued to keep a wary eye on him, not trusting him enough to let him take over Earth.  
But after a while, Dib's feelings for Zim began to go through another change. He began to notice that he looked forward to seeing Zim each day at Skool, and that he enjoyed watching him, during classtime, at lunch, and even, if he was lucky, walking home after dismissal. He was starting to like Zim, more then just as a friend. And he hated it. It was making him sick. He tried to ignore it, tried to tell himself that he mas mis-reading his own emotions, and that he was jumping to conclusions. But his feelings only grew. He got butterfies in his stomach every time he saw Zim, and he felt comfortable and content whenever he spoke, enjoying each sillable that he uttered. After a while he bagan to accept the way he felt about Zim. He loved Zim, and there was nothing he could do about it, although it still made him feel sick inside, loving someone of the same sex as he.  
He had never had anything against gays, nothing at all. But he himself, being a homosexual? It was an extreamly hard issue for him to deal with. Admitting it to himself was even a very hard thing for him to do. He had once thought about telling Gaz, but when he tried to tell her, it just wouldn't come out. He was much too ashamed of himself to admit it to anyone else.  
He continued to stare at Zim from accross the classroom, feeling butterflies in his stomach being this close to him. He had never really been in love before...Sure, he had had a few crushes...always on girls, but he had never felt THIS strongly about someone, and the fact that it was a male made it even more of an emotional shock to him. But there was no denying it. He loved Zim more then he loved anything else. He thought of every move he made, every breath he took, every expression his face made, as a miracle not to be ignored.  
Zim looked up from the etchings he was making on his desk and spotted Dib staring at him. Both his eyes narrowed and he stuck out his lower lip. Dib scowled back, until Zim rolled his eyes and went back to whatever he was doing.  
Ever since Dib had admitted to himself that he loved Dib, he had treated him worse then he had before, trying to hide his true feelings. He didn't go to any extremes, but he would occasionaly throw balls of paper with threats written on them in Zim's direction, hoping to get the message across that he really HATED Zim, and maybe...just maybe, Zim would give him one of those looks where he pursed his lips and opened one eye wide while squinting the other...Dib loved it when he did that...  
His train of thought was de-railed when Mrs Bitters announced that they would be having a pop quiz, and handed out the sheets of paper, giving each of the children equally untrusting and hatefull looks. Dib sighed, took another look at Zim, who was just recieving his paper, and went to work.  
  
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Half of the skool day went like any other. For Dib, seeing Zim was at the same time the most horrible and tortorous thing he had ever experienced, and the most wonderfull thing he had ever been through. But he kept a strong outer disguise, always glaring hatefully at Zim, shooting nasty comments his way, and things like that.  
But at lunch time, he found that his emotions got out of hand. While eating his lunch, he found his throat getting choked up, and he put down the carton of milk he had been drinking, and stared ahead, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.  
He looked over at Gaz, who hadn't gotten a lunch. She was playing her Game Slave, looking as if she didn't take any notice at all in Dib's emotional distress.  
Dib's lip quivered, and he buried his face in his hands, so no one could see the tears that were running down his face. He cried silently, ignoring the remaints of his lunch. He cried because of the shame he felt at loving another male, and at the despair he felt, knowing the chances were almost nill that Zim could possibly return his feelings.   
A sob escaped from his lips, out of his control, and a tear dripped from his hands onto the table top.  
"Wha...? Dib, why are you crying? What's wrong?"   
Dib peeked through his hands and saw that Gaz was staring at him with a geniune look of concern, her eyes opened wide, not squinted like they usually were.  
Dib felt helpless, and embarrassed, and he couldn't bring himself to tell Gaz of his problems. He took his hands from his reddend, tear stained face, and stammered:  
"I...I...n-nothing...nothing's wrong I...just...ARG!" He rose from the table and began to run out of the cafeteria, hoping no one noticed the distress he was in. He ran into the boys bathroom and locked himself into one of the stalls to avoid the eyes of the other students. He sat on the closed toilet and sobbed as quitely as he could, so that no one else would hear him. He took off his fogged and wet glasses and set them on the back of the toilet, looking up at the ceiling, the tears still pouring down his face.  
"Dib...? Dib, are you in here?" A worried female voice drifted into the bathroom.  
"Go away, Gaz!" Dib yelled from the stall, trying to hide the distress in his voice. But his voice cracked, and because of his tone it was very obvious that he had been crying.  
"Dib, what's wrong? Please, I'm worried about you!"   
No reply. Gaz cautiosly peered into the bathroom, peeking only her head in. She looked around, and, seeing that no one else was there, she ran in and looked for Dib.  
"Where ARE you?" She asked, annoyed, but still worried.  
"Go away!!" Dib sobbed.  
Gaz pinpointed the stall that Dib was in from the sound of his voice and knocked on the door.  
"Let me in, you can talk to me!" she hissed "please, let me in before someone sees me in here!!"  
Dib sighed and got up from the toilet, and unlocked the door, allowing Gaz to enter. She sat up on the toilet and pulled up her feet so no one would happen to look under the stall door and see that two people were occupying it.  
She looked up at Dib, still with that worried look in her eyes. He looked a wreck, he was leaning against the stall wall, tears streaming down his red face, his lip quivering as he tried to hold back the sobs.  
"Dib...oh my God...what...what's your problem?" She asked quietly.  
"I told you, nothing...I'm...I'm fine" He replied lamely.  
Gaz rolled her eyes and stood up, aproaching her brother, she embraced him and began to rub his back, trying to get him to stop crying like a mother comforting a child.  
"Dib...it's very obvious that something is wrong...you know you can tell me...I'm your sister...and I'm worried about you..."  
"I can't...I just can't tell you, Gaz..." Dib whispered, leaning his head on her shoulder and continuing to cry.  
"Dib...c'mon...I've never seen you this upset...did something happen...?"  
"No!!...I just...I CAN'T tell you...it would sick you out..."  
"Tell me." Gaz said sternly.  
"I ...I just can't..."  
"Tell me." She said, raising her voice a little, but still hugging him comfortingly.  
Dib thought about it, his tears subsiding slightly. He heaved a broken sigh and decided he had to tell her. It might make him feel better, and anyway, Gaz had a certain voilent way of getting what she wanted sometimes.  
"Okay..." Dib said quietly, releasing himself from Gaz's embrace and sitting on the toilet. Gaz took Dib's former position of leaning against the stall wall.  
"I..." Dib began, then got up and opened the stall door, checking to be sure no one esle was in the bathroom, even peering under all of the other stall doors to make sure he didn't see any feet. But the bathroom was empty save he and Gaz.  
He went back into the stall his sister was in, and sat back on the toilet.  
"Okay..." He repeated, shaking nervously. Gaz said nothing, giving him time to compose himself.  
"I'm...I'm...in love..." He said.  
"In love? Is that it? Then...what are you crying for...? Did she reject you or something...?"  
"No...let me finish..."  
"Okay..."  
"The person...that I love...is...is..."  
"Mmm hmmm?"  
"A...guy."  
Gaz said nothing, she was shocked, but still wanted to help in any way she could.   
"I tried to ignore my feelings..." Dib continued, speaking more clearly now and wiping the tears from his face "But...they just kept getting stronger, and I...I feel so ashamed...I never thought I was...was...I was..."  
"Gay?"  
"Y-yeah...that's...the word I was...looking for..." Dib pulled nervously at his shirt collar. "...and I just...I guess I couldn't take it anymore...living so close to him every day...but hiding behing a veil of hate...I just...I love him so such...he's the whole world to me..."  
"Wow, Dib, this must be hard for you..."  
"You're...you're not sicked out?"  
"No, not at all. You're still the same person. You're still the Dib I've always known, just because you happen to like guys, doesn't mean I'm going to hate you."  
Dib looked up at her, surprised. "I....thank you."  
"Hey, you're my brother. I'm there for you."  
Dib thought that it hadn't always been that way. But of course he didn't say anything. The fact that his overley withrawn sister was now showing that she really cared was more then he has ever expected from her. They had a real relationship now, and Dib was somewhat proud of himself. He WAS the one who had set the ball rolling, when he had gotten her that poem last year for Christmas. It seemed to him that alot of things had been set in motion last Christmas.  
"Should I tell him?" Dib asked.  
"I really don't know, Dib" Gaz replied "I...wouldn't want to give you any wrong advice. Maybe...you shoud...wait?"  
But Dib had made up his mind already. The pain in his heart was too much for him to take another day.  
"I'm gonna tell him."  
  
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Part 2  
  
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The streets of the small town were littered with golden red leaves, and the full moon shone above, with the stars coming out earlier each night, because of the advancing winter.  
Dib walked down the sidewalk, the fallen leaves crunching under his feet, his hands in the pockets of his black treanchcoat.  
He was on his was to Zim's house. His legs felt weak, and he thought he might be trembling slightly with fear and emotion.  
When he arrived at the oddly located house, he walked quietly up the front walkway, glancing warily at the tall lawn gnomes that gaurded Zim's house. Luckily, they didn't move. Maybe Zim was asleep...? Zim looked down at his watch, the glowing green digital numbers read 6:58. He must still be up.  
Dib arrived at the door and raised his hand to knock on the door. He paused, hand trembling, and after awhile of fighting with his inner self, he managed to will his hand to knock three times on the door. He waited a bit, and his heart sunk. It didn't look like Zim was home...He sighed and turned to leave, but just then, the front door opened, and Zim poked his head cautiously out the door.  
"Hellooooo? Who's there?"  
Dib jumped and turned to face Zim. "Um...uh...hi, it's...it's Dib."  
Zim flung open the door and glared down the stairs at Dib. "What do YOU want here?"  
"I...I came to tell you something."  
"What? You came here to tell me something?" Zim squinted one eye. "What could you possibly want to tell me? If it has anything to do with me failing to conquer Eath, you can just-"  
"No! No, it isn't anything like that, Zim. It's something very different, I just have to tell you..." Dib said quickly, praying that Zim wouldn't just shut the door in his face right then and there.  
That's exacley what Zim was thinking of doing. But this scene brough back memories of last year's Christmas, when Dib had found GIR for him, and brought him safley back home from the cold outside where he may have died...  
He thought, that just this once, he would listen to Dib, feeling he should return the favor.  
"What is it?" He asked.  
"Um...can I come in...? It might...take me a minute..."  
"Oh, I don't think so. You're not coming in here, no chance. I don't trust you. We'll sit out here, in the front lawn, and if you try anything..." he gestured towards the lawn gnomes about his front lawn.  
Dib sighed. "Okay...good enough."  
Zim walked over to one of the gnomes and sat down in the grass, leaning against it. Dib sat in the grass about three feet away from him, facing it.  
The crickets chirped and the stars sparkled above.  
"Well...here goes everything..." Dib whispered to himself. He looked at Zim, who was eyeing him suspiciously, waiting for what he was going do say. Dib sighed, this was going to be the second time in one day he let out the biggest secret of his life. This time, though, it was alot harder. But he had to tell him, because there always was a chance, however small, that maybe...just maybe, Zim felt the same way.  
"Okay..." he began, taking a deep, quivering breath. "This is going to sound weird to you...and it's going to shock you. But I've been keeping it a secret for so long, and I just can't anymore..."  
"Yeees...? And, what is this big secret?"  
"Zim...I...I...I...well, the thing is...I...I..."  
"Get on with it!"  
"I...Zim, you mean more to me then anything. You're my whole world, and you're always on my mind...what I'm trying to say, is that...I love you, Zim."  
There was an akward silence. Dib looked down and blushed deeply, twiddling his thumbs nervously and waiting for a reply.Zim raised an eyebrow, and laughed once..."Hah...you LOVE me?...What posseses you to feel this way?"  
"I...I don't know...Zim..." Dib replied, trying again to hold back the tears. "It's not something...I'm in control of..." he said, it apparant in his voice that he was sad and frightened.  
A look of sadness came over Zim's features. Zim looked at Dib, and Dib looked at Zim. Tears started again to pour from Dib's eyes, and he whimpered quietly. "I'm sorry..."  
Zim felt a wave of compassion for Dib overcome him. He himself had never experienced love, but he saw in Dib's eyes the pain it was causing him. This was the first time that Dib had ever looked at him without any hate in his eyes. It was far from it, actually. He could almost see the strong loyalty in Dib's eyes, and the sadness of all the months of secrets kept in each tear that fell from Dib's eyes and rolled down his face.  
Zim stood up, and so did Dib, who was watching him hopefully, waiting for a reply. Zim approached Dib and reached out a hand. He patted him on the back.  
"Dib, I don't know what causes you to feel such strong emotions for me, but I can't lie to you..."  
"You don't...feel the same way?" Dib asked quietly, pleading with his eyes.  
"No, Dib. I don't."  
Dib was overcome with misery. He turned and ran from the yard, his coat billowing out behind him, lest he break down and begin sobbing infront of Zim.  
Zim stood there looking shocked, shook his head, and went back into his house.  
  
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Dib ran all the way home, the tears streaming across his cheeks in small streams. When he made his way home, he ran up into his room, closed the door, buried his head in his pillow, and cried himself to sleep, enveloped in overwelming greif.  
  
  
  
(Yup, this is the end. It doesn't always end happily)  
  
  
  



End file.
